I remember when an old friend once commented on a “missed opportunity” of a potential rendezvous that never ended up happening. It was in reference to another friend during a private conversation between us. But more poignantly, his attached emotion asserted a grieving for the dirge of a moment that did not go the way he wanted or expected. He’s not the only grown man I know that suffers from ‘mantrums.’ I’ve fallen prey to them myself. Ah, the clinging and grasping of life is the root of our suffering. We all suffer and suffering is merely part of the human experience, myself included.

Moreover, as expanding souls, it is natural for we humans to desire and want more. But it is also an opportunity for choosing gratitude for what is. Without this practice, happiness as a way of life is impossible. Even when we get what we want, it is a sad and lonely story on the inside of a person who remains hooked into the cycle of grasping and clinging. Self examination reveals this experience always leads to disappointments and the accompanying funeral procession. It’s not that I don’t have my moments here. It’s just that I tend not to get as sucked into them as I used to.

Even the committed optimist or followers of positive psychology fall prey to wanting to hold tight to what we fear we will lose. This is because it is natural to experience the tragedy of life that is not without its grieving and trauma aware process. Moreover, the same old friend once said to me, “Ari, I think you and I have different definitions of friendship.” And I agreed with him. Because his definition is more typical and normal, from an old world reality. From this perspective, it’s tit for tat, I’ll scratch your back and then you scratch mine. It’s as if there’s a punch in/punch out clock that keeps a tally of a friendship that is based on competitive acts. Who is one upping who?

Beyond this behavioral trap, I do have some old relationships that appear somewhat akin to basketball legends Larry Bird and Magic Johnson’s. It’s the kind of relationship where we don’t see each other or talk for years and then when they reconnect, it’s like we don’t skip a beat. There aren’t any resentments about the time stamp between our communication because neither of us are really keeping track. And if there were any feelings that need to be cleared up, this kind of relationship allows for a healthy conversation about it. If anything, there’s a shared experience of gratitude for the reconnection. You just never know what unexpected surprises or gifts the Universe might bring. When one door closes, another door opens.

Lets face facts here . . . All adults are like big kids. And like kids, we tend to act out. The old paradigm did not teach us effective ways to express ourselves, including how we communicate with each other. It has done a good job of teaching us to pretend and hide our true feelings, from each other but more importantly ourselves. Dysfunctional and deeply engrained behavioral patterns have taught us how to use what my “Aunt that likes to rant” has called “secret decoder rings” and how to manipulate and control each other- even in cleverly covert and subtle (or not so subtle) ways.

For example, if you are maintaining a relationship that is based on guilt driven motivations, that’s something to look at inside of yourself. If you feel like you did something wrong, based on someone else’s energetic output, that’s something to look at within yourself. Consider the ritual of gift giving. There’s nothing wrong with ritual. But the power of ritual awakens spiritually when it is done with a sacred connection and done so without a sense of expectation. But when the ritual is for the sake of ritual and the gifts have an underlying edge of expectation, there’s a difference.

As humans, we all get insecure, have attachments and want to be loved. So it stands to reason that we have a tendency to cling and grasp to FOMO (fear of missing out). Bruce Springsteen’s lyrics capture the sentiment here, “it’s sad funny ending to find yourself pretending you’re a rich man in a poor man’s shirt.” Accepting this tension of opposites, like the Boss would say, reveals “better days are shining through.”

Remember what we were taught as children: Stop. Look. Go. There’s a time and a place for running the hurry up offense, to use an American football metaphor. But most of the time we’re rushing through life, there’s no need to do so- particularly with regards to racing thoughts or what Taoism calls the Chattering Monkey Mind.

Be Kind To Your Mind Folks,

Ari